5:30 a.m. Once again I cannot sleep. Fucking nightmares. I dreamed I was on a parking lot, in my car, with my sperm-donor of a father driving. He looked as decrepit as Fidel Castro. In the back was the eldest snot of his 4 other engenders. He had to go through an in-curved track that led to the exit. I told him he had to back up or he was going to scratch the car. Proud, stupid and stubborn as usual, he wanted to demonstrate he was right and of course, he smashed the door. Fearing his reaction I said "I'm driving". I stepped out of the car that was no longer my car but an old wrecked yellow Buick with no doors. The seat-belt was tangled and hanging all the way down to the pavement. I started making jokes about it and they both laughed.

That is my nightmare. To think that I could laugh with those assholes. Never. Never. Never. I will never forgive you for hitting me, marking my face so badly that I could not attend school. And I don’t know if it’s because I just found out that you had a stroke and you are hospitalized, but I want you to know something: I thought I was over it, but it still hurts. And I will never share an outburst laughter with you.
Ever.

I close my eyes. I see my brother alone in the beautiful yet declining house my mother left us. Head between his forearms, shrinking in a corner. I open the curtain, the house is under water and there is this colossal shark waiting for us. So big I cannot see him entirely. I can see its scared skin though. His black eye slightly moving. The strength of his body moves significant amounts of water. Water that starts filtering through the windows. I need to go to Mexico and help my brother. I miss him. Miss my house, miss my roots, miss the lemon tree I planted with my mom.

I cannot sleep, damn it. I smoked way too many cigarettes tonight. When I take a deep breath my lungs burn and I cough. One. Two. Three sleeping pills just can’t seem to be enough to palliate this sick trip.
I think I fucked up my left knee’s vastus lateralli yesterday. Early this evening, I was running in the dark and I stumbled into the rolling heater and crashed my right foot toes. They look pretty blue now. I'm shaking.
I don’t even know why I’m trying so hard to write in English.
This is not me.